The Link Between People-Pleasing and Work Stress: How IFS Therapy Can Help

If we are being honest, approval feels good! So it makes sense that “parts” of us may seek approval in different areas of our lives. In the workplace, the pressure to perform and fit in can be overwhelming, often leading individuals to adopt behaviors aimed at securing approval and avoiding conflict. One such behavior is people-pleasing, which, through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, can be understood as a protective mechanism. Here we delve into how people-pleasing functions as a protector “part” within the IFS framework and how understanding this role can help individuals manage work stress more effectively.

People-Pleasing as a Protector

From an IFS perspective, the people-pleaser “part” emerges as a protector to shield the individual from potential harm, such as rejection, criticism, or conflict. This “part” operates under the belief that by pleasing others and securing their approval, it can prevent the activation of vulnerable exiles carrying feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or fear of abandonment.

In the workplace, people-pleasing behaviors might include:

• Taking on extra tasks: Often agreeing to additional responsibilities, to be seen as valuable and indispensable.

• Avoiding confrontation: Steering clear of conflicts to maintain a harmonious environment and avoid triggering feelings of rejection.

• Seeking validation: Constantly striving for praise and recognition to reinforce a sense of worth and competence.

While these behaviors can provide temporary relief and a sense of control, they often lead to increased stress, burnout, and a lack of authenticity.

The Role of Therapy in Addressing People-Pleasing

Therapy, particularly IFS therapy, can be instrumental in helping individuals understand and transform their people-pleasing behaviors. Here's how:

1.     Identifying Parts: The first step in IFS therapy is to identify and acknowledge the different parts of the internal system. Recognizing the people-pleaser as a distinct part helps in understanding its motivations and protective intentions.

2.     Building a Relationship with the People-Pleaser: Through compassionate inquiry, individuals can build a relationship with their people-pleaser part. This involves appreciating its efforts to protect and understanding the fears driving its behavior.

3.     Accessing the Self: IFS therapy emphasizes connecting with the Self, the core state of calm and clarity. From this place of strength, individuals can lead their internal system, offering guidance and reassurance to the protective parts.

4.     Unburdening Exiles: By working with the Self, individuals can address the pain and burdens carried by exiled parts. This process reduces the urgency of the people-pleaser's protective actions, as the underlying wounds begin to heal.

5.     Developing New Strategies: With a better understanding of their internal dynamics, individuals can develop healthier coping strategies. This might include setting boundaries, practicing assertiveness, and cultivating self-compassion.

Practical Steps to Manage People-Pleasing at Work

In addition to therapy, there are practical steps individuals can take to manage people-pleasing tendencies in the workplace:

1.     Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your motivations for taking on tasks or avoiding conflicts. Ask yourself if these actions are driven by a need for approval or fear of rejection.

2.     Set Boundaries: Learn to set clear boundaries regarding your time and energy. Practice saying no when necessary and prioritize your well-being.

3.     Communicate Assertively: Develop assertive communication skills to express your needs and opinions respectfully and confidently.

4.     Seek Support: Lean on trusted colleagues, mentors, or support groups to gain perspective and encouragement in navigating workplace dynamics.

5.     Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health. Prioritize self-care to maintain balance and resilience.

People-pleasing can be understood as a protective mechanism within the IFS framework. By recognizing and appreciating the role of the people-pleaser part, individuals can begin to address the underlying fears and wounds driving this behavior. Through therapy and practical strategies, it is possible to transform people-pleasing tendencies, reduce work stress, and cultivate a more authentic and fulfilling professional life. If you find yourself caught in the cycle of people-pleasing at work, consider exploring IFS therapy as a path towards greater self-awareness and empowerment.

Ruth Hescock LPC

Inner Insight Counseling LLC - IFS therapy in Beaverton, Oregon

Set up a free 20-minute phone consultation here.